3am thoughts

As I look back on my old photos which were taken last year, I can't help but feel a little depressed. Okay, but not just a little but really depressed...

Looking back at 2013, it was a pretty good year for me. My body was being pretty nice to me and my joint inflammation problem didn't appear as much as it did now, and thanks to that, I was able to gym regularly to sculpt a body that I so desire.

I WAS HAPPY. I was happy that I was gaining weight, I was happy that I was starting to look better with a better body. However, few months towards the end of 2013, the joint inflammation thingy I had started acting up again and I couldn't gym due to the pain I get whenever I move certain parts of my body. Worst of all, the inflammation doesn't stays on one part of my body but ALWAYS changes. One day, it could be affecting my shoulders, the next, it could affects my fingers, hands, knees, legs, neck, elbow and more. 

I was suffering. But I still wanted to persevere and have the body I so desire. To the extend I started taking pain killers and glucosamine chondroitin EVERYTIME I'm about to head to the gym. 

It's till towards the October period where I knew my body couldn't take the stress no more (miserable internships which made me depressed, stress over other work and the teens mag competition, family problems and now the joint inflammation problem? No! It was a sign for me to take it easy and rest as I realize that I've been falling sick almost every single week)

Frankly, when I started being reluctant to head to the gym every morning before work due to the consistent pain. I was rather happy because it would allow me more time to rest and have a decent sleep. However, as time passes by, I realized that I've been gradually losing weight despite me sticking to the same diet I had when I was heading to the gym. 

I wasn't really bothered till recently, when I look back... I realize I'm starting to look ugly (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and in my eyes, i find myself ugly). Not that my expectations are really high la but I believe that everyone have realistic expectations and goals in their life and one of my goal is to actually have a decent lean fit body, not those muscular body builder body ... But sadly, I had to be born with this problem. 

from time to time, I'm really envious of my other friends who have been hitting the gym often and having a really nice body shape. Trust me, when I look at their photos on Instagram. I'll be like " DAMN!!! Why can't I have a body like that. Why can't I have a better body. Why can't I have a fully healthy and functional body and do the things that others are doing! "

And from there, my confidence gradually declined. What exists now is a Tyler who pretends to be happy with how he looks like now but deep down, I know I'm not happy. I'm not confident and probably never will be anytime soon. 

Now, I'm currently thinking of the alternate methods in which I can do to make myself look better. Maybe plastic surgery? To improve my looks etc. or even going through the painkillers process and start gymming again in order to achieve what I want.

Honestly, I'm not really sure. But I guess I'll just see how things goes as time passes. One thing I'm very sure though, when there's something I want, I'll do anything I can to achieve it (but definitely not underhanded means). 

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being superficial now. Before you even start judging me, I've to clarify - I am only superficial towards myself; in the sense that I WANT to make myself look good regardless of how much hard work it takes. I've high expectations of how I look. I don't judge others, but only me. Like what they say.. You are your own worst enemy. Maybe this sounds weird,  okay maybe I'm just weird lol...


Gah, it's 3am in the morning. I've no idea why I'm actually blogging at this hour.  Not sure if whatever I said is making any sense though LOL

Guess I'll just turn in for a night and hope that things will eventually go my way. (And hopefully be 100% healthy which I know is impossible hahaha).



Some time back, I went to The Cathay to catch the gala premier of Saving Mr Banks with the fellow gushers and my fav eleanor. I remember looking terrible that day as my face is going through the " dry season " and basically starts peeling and stuff. Even my lips were kinda swollen due to the dryness! UGH.

Nonetheless, I managed to catch the awesome movie " Saving Mr Banks " with thanks to Gushcloud x Disney for the tickets! I had a really great time watching the movie as it not only funny but it was a movie with depth and has an unexpected twist! Definitely touching to the soul so do watch it if you've yet to do so!

Some of he visuals which were taken that day..

After the movie, Eleanor and I decided to head to the nearest Sheng Siong available near town (lil india) for some snacks-shopping!
I've never done shopping with a close friend before so it's a rather fun experience :p we were basically grabbing everything that looks nice off the shelfs and into our baskets!

It's actually been some time since I've last been to Sheng Siong. The different variety of snacks available there kinda amazed me! THERE'S ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU NEED THERE. We had a really hard time choosing which snacks to buy and try as they all look too freaking good
Eleanor's having trouble deciding which to get :p
and we decided to grab both of it LOL. 
A photo of us before we continue ;D
Moreeeee junk hahaha. THERE'S A NEW TIC TAC FLAVOUR!!! It's been ages since I've last had a tick tac... maybe 12years? LOL 
There's even different types of Chocolate Pocky available there. On the left, an ordinary packet of pocky and on the right, it's the Pocky x Line korean pocky. The only difference that caught my attention? The price difference (the line pocky was $2.80 more expensive -_-)
Whatever your heart desires, they have it here :p How I wish that I actually own an outlet myself HAHAA. That way, I can host giveaways for all of you everytime, anytime!
Giant doraemon lollipops which were larger than my head @@

One thing that we found disturbing was this china brand snack. They had weird snacks like horse's tongue and others. 
They even had Fake Oreo lol
Childhood memories. Probably something memorable for all the 90's kids
We picked up way too much snacks that day, that we decided to filter our goods LOL. My car was  overfilled with snacks to carry home that day. 
Final decision making time - To buy or not to buy. HAHAHA
Eleanor's purchase!
And here's mine :D

After our shopping session at Sheng Shiong, we headed over to Boat Quay to have dinner!! Poor eleanor's having her 1 week diet session that day so I ate my fav shark fin /w crabmeat noodles alone. TOO GOOD TO MISS OUT ON LOR!
I had more time that day so we decided to spend the rest of it at east coast park... at the .... 
3levels high spider web slide!! It may not look scary but the higher you go, the more intimidating it gets. I was the daredevil to go up first that day X)
And we chilled 2 storeys high up on the net before heading back :D 

It's been some time since I've last had quality time with my friends. I REALLY NEED MORE QUALITY TIME LIKE THIS!!!!

Anyway, how have you guys been? I hope it's been good for you :)

Really grateful that you guys have been coming back to my blog regularly despite the irregular updates! I LOVE AND APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!!!

I'll be sharing with you guys the things i've done recently and what's been ongoing on my life too! Hopefully everything will go well and smoothly for me!

Also, I've decided to open my collaborations for sponsorships and advertorials again!!! It's been a long time since I've last accepted one... so, If you're interested, feel free to email me at hikarutyler@gmail.com for advertorials, invitations, reviews or advertisement enquiries and we can discuss thing there! :)